Realisation

Today's blog is very different, because today I had some mini-epiphanies while talking to Vicky, so many thanks to her for listening to my ramblings and being helpful.

Epiphany 1: You can't fix friendships with a magic wand. If your friends have fallen out or don't get on there may be no hope them becoming friends (again). One or both of them may really be so upset that they are irreconcilable. You can hope to stay friends with both of them, and ignore when one complains of the other or tell them you don't want to hear it.

Epiphany 2: A short while ago I was upset and moping over a guy I very much like, but know a relationship with him is for all intents and purposes impossible. I wrote a note and tucked it in my Kindle cover, and it read "You will find someone better". Today I realised that someone better is single me.

Since I began my first relationship aged 15 ½, I have spent roughly 2 years and 8 months out of relationships in the last 5 years and 9 months. I find this shocking, and have come to the conclusion that I am a serial monogamist. I've never before committed myself to the goal of finding out who I am when I'm single, what I'm like when I'm not longing to be someone's girlfriend, either chasing a relationship or being chased, or falling into one for one reason or another. I've even gone on dating sites while I've been bored and single for a few months, seeking out someone new, interesting and attractive to talk to. No more!

I have enough self-confidence now that I don't need strangers to tell me I'm good-looking, because I'm happy with my appearance. I have plenty of new and old, interesting friends who I neglect to spend enough time speaking to. While pursuing relationships and being introduced to the hobbies and interests of my boyfriends, I haven't cultivated many of my own. I used to be a real bookworm when I was younger, before I, like my group of friends, became more interested in "Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll". Part of finding single me will be to reawaken that urge to read and learn for leisure, as I have so much time now. I will also apply myself to learning a martial art: gaining a new skill will increase my fitness and self-confidence, and if I keep it up then I could even have belts to show for it. It just so happens that I have the opportunity now to participate in karate lessons: I've had this dream of taking up a martial art for some time, but hadn't made it a reality until moving here.

My promise to myself is to be single for at least a year. I'm nervous to find out who I am when I'm single though, as I don't know whether I'm mad when I'm single for long periods of time, or a crazy cat lady, or whether spending more time in my own head will drive me bonkers. I'm naturally more inclined to think more about other people's problems than my own - having a boyfriend gives me someone to care for and help out and listen to, and I guess without that I'll have to think more about caring for, helping and listening to myself.

Self-improvement is the only way forward.

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Yesterday there was an epiphany of an entirely different, terrible nature. I discovered via a message from my mum that my maternal grandmother has cancer of the lining of her lung. Tomorrow she will have an operation to remove fluid from her lung, and to take a biopsy to find out more about the nature of the cancer. I did a whole lot of crying yesterday, and again I must thank Vicky for being really supportive. I know nothing is a foregone conclusion, but I think I was crying mainly because it sounds like it must be really scary and painful for my grandma, but also scary and painful for my family and I wish I could be there to offer my support.

My thoughts are with my family at home who I'm sure are doing their best to take good care of Grandma Marilyn.